It's been a while since I posted about our journey and thought it was time for an update. We had another IUI done in March and wanted to share a couple of journal entries with you of the process and the emotional roller coaster that is infertility.
3/3/16 Illusions of Control
We plan our future.
We organize our days.
We walk with our own illusion that WE are in control. When things are going great or even just good in life that is where the illusion starts. But when you walk through infertility, we are reminded that even with the best doctor, the best medication, the best treatment plan...
We are definitely NOT in control.
3/4/16 Here We Go Again
As the months pass while we are on our break from infertility treatment and medications, my heart longs for our baby in my arms. Many days it is easy to push my emotions to the side but recently it's been hard to stop the tears. As I look back, I see what could have been but I know that isn't where I should have my focus!
We have a new doctor, new treatment plan, and a new cycle, is the beginning of our journey in 2016. I can't believe it's already March. Although I am hopeful for all of these new things, I am also anxious. Those same fears, doubts and concerns pop back up all over again.
As I scroll through Instagram, a photo of a baby pops up. Tears start to develop in my eyes, is this something I will ever be able to experience? I try to imagine being pregnant and I can't even do that. The thought of that is so far from what I think is possible, so I push is away...
Lately more days than others it has been hard for me to imagine what it would be like to carry our child or even hold them in my arms.
But today, before we go through with our IUI, I have glimpse of hope of what could be and I'm cherishing this moment.
So you make these plans. And then when it doesn't happen ... What do you do?
I remember when Beau and I got married and I thought "okay, we are going to buy a house, get out of debt and then start having kids when I'm 26!" Well obviously that's not the case because I turn 27 in two days. Still no baby in my arms and no pregnancy.
So what am I going to do? The only thing I can. The thing I have been clinging to these past few months. Knowing that God's plan is greater than any plan I can have.
3/30/16 The Happiest Place On Earth
And just like that, it happened. That one little word showed up on the test. PREGNANT
It was early in the morning, on our Disney vacation, and it was Beau's birthday! I ran back into our hotel room, jumped on the bed and threw the stick I just peed on at Beau and said "Happy Birthday!" As I fumbled around, trying to turn on the lamp, my hands were shaking and my heart was beating a mile a minute. We are pregnant!
Once we got back from our vacation I went in for blood work to check to make sure my levels doubled, and they did. We had our first ultrasound last week and heard the sweet sound of a beating heart. Still seems a little unreal.
Thank you. Yes you! We have had many people praying for us this past year, but I will ask to continue with just a little different prayer.
1. To think that all of the anxiety and fear goes away now that I'm pregnant, well... It doesn't. Just changes. I want to be able to enjoy this time and not be paralyzed by these things.
2. Progress as our baby develops. That he or she will be born healthy and full term.
3. That the medication that I am currently taking can be stopped at one point in the pregnancy without any consequences.