Let's get personal.
We all go through struggles.
How do you go from being a private person to be open? How do you use your struggle to honor God? When is the "right" time to share with people? What is worth sharing?
I have gone back and forth for almost 3 months now tying to decide if I should write this post. Do I really want everyone knowing what Beau and I are going through? Do people really care? What are they going to say? Well, I have decided that I am going to write this for Beau and I. For us to look back when our prayers are answered and be reminded that in the storm, we still had hope. That everyday we live in God's grace and His plan is perfect.
Beau and I have been married for 4 years. In January 2015, we decided that we were ready to "have the baby talk." We were so excited for this next season in our lives. I didn't even think that we would have any issues getting pregnant. We are both healthy, and live active lifestyles. Well, 5 months into trying I had my yearly checkup with my OBGYN. She knew we were trying and because of our age said that if we didn't get pregnant within a year then we would check things out. But once I told her that my cycles were very irregular (24-63days) she decided to do bloodwork to check everything out. The bloodwork came back fine a few days later and said if I wanted to I could have an ultrasound done to look at everything just to confirm. At that point I just thought well if the bloodwork is fine, they aren't going to find anything on the ultrasound. [There is always a little part of us that thinks we are the exception. Oh that won't happen to us, we won't have to worry about that.] I called my mom and talked to her about it and she convinced me that it's better to be certain than to just assume. So I went in for the ultrasound. During the visit the tech spoke to me during and told me it looks like I had PCOS but the Dr would confirm it all. Nothing to worry about. A day or so later I got the call from the nurse confirming that I did have PCOS and that she wanted me to try for 3 more months then she would put me on clomid.
So what is PCOS (Poly Cyctic Ovarian Syndrome)? Well basically my hormones are out of whack and I don't ovulate regularly, which can make things tricky if you are trying to conceive. 1 in 10 women are affected by PCOS. There is also still many unknowns about this disease as well!
All "plans" that I thought I had were now out of the window. It wasn't about the number of children we wanted anymore, our focus is now on the one child we would be praying for. I know that we are at the beginning of this journey and the scariest part is the unknown. I don't know if we will get pregnant next month or if it will take longer or if conceiving naturally is going to happen at all! But what I do know is that we are surrounded by his sufficient grace.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
The Next Step
So right now the next step is a reproductive endocrinologist or fertility specialist... It's scary because I feel like this is admiting that we have infertility issues.
Am I admitting defeat saying that we have infertility issues? I don't want to speak it into existence. I don't want to say the words because then it becomes real.
What if it doesn't work? What if we spend thousands of dollars and don't have a baby? What if I miscarry? It's got to work on the first time right?
Needless to say my emotions have been all over the place, but when it comes to worry I always go back to this scripture.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
I am trusting in the lord that one day our prayers will be answered.
P.S. I know that there are others out their that have gone through or are going through fertility treatment. I am so grateful that I found an amazing group of women to surround myself with during this time! If you need to talk please reach out to me! I know how frustrating this time can be and even just having someone that listens.
Please visit www.Sarahs-Laughter.com for christian support for infertility and child loss.